Everyone knows that your Bucket List is an itemized accounting of those things that you want to accomplish/see/do/visit/experience before you die, or kick the bucket. I recently committed mine to a written format, although the gist had been circulating in my brain for a long time.
This, however, is my Anti-Bucket list, a list of those things that I want never to accomplish/see/do/visit/experience; I guess you could call it my “Fuck-It List”. (Can you say that in a blog? We’ll see.) These are not the universally obvious, such as never wanting to die in a fire or not wanting to have an accident. Come on, that would be depressing and just plain ridiculous to itemize all of those terrible experiences. Instead these are the references you may read about, perhaps those events or pastimes currently in vogue, the crazes and obsessions of the rich and famous — all fodder for the foolhardy in my (cranky) opinion.
My Anti-Bucket List: I Really Do Not Ever Want to:
- Go to an ice bar or stay in an ice hotel.
I moved from Indiana to Florida because I despise the cold and you want me to pay to experience it? At least the cold in Indiana was, for the most part, free.
- Go skydiving.
Aside from the obvious — people die — what a bad idea. I envision throwing up or urinating on myself, and then breaking an ankle as I land. (Or at the very least, landing in a most unflattering position, arms, legs and clothes akimbo. It would most assuredly resemble my one trip down a massive water slide which ended with my bathing suit up my crack in the back and boobies hanging out at the top.)
- Go bungee-jumping.
- Receive a Brazilian.
No, not a person from South America, as I have nothing against them. I’m referring to the wax, also apparently from South America. Which brings up a good point — what is it about Brazilians that they feel the need to be completely hairless, at the cost of extreme pain and embarrassment? Actually, I place all waxing, of whatever nationality, in this do-not-want category.
- Eat anything from the show Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern.
Seriously, Andy is disturbed. Certain parts of animals are just not intended for human consumption. They might as well call the show Pica Around the World.
- Indulge in any body piercing.
OK, I admit it, I do have my ears pierced, and have had for 35 years. Just once in each ear, thank you. I see no need to invent places to install holes and display jewelry. Some of those places elicit an “Eeewww”, others simply a “why?”. I will also admit, in the spirit of full disclosure, that many years ago my sister took me to a suspension demonstration where people (professional freaks) were pierced and then suspended for a brief while. It was sort of “I-just-can’t-look-away” but disturbing nonetheless. Yech.
- Watch anything about the Kardashians. (Funny note: when I did spellcheck, the suggestion for “Kardashians” was “Carpathians” which is pretty accurate and hilarious!)
That includes any one of the Kardasians in any type of role, which sounds ridiculous as I write it, since none of them has even a modicum of talent, acting or otherwise. As far as I am concerned, they define the word “oxymoron”, celebrities simply for being celebrities.
- Go spelunking.
Lets see — dark, dank, underground, bats, bat guano; sounds enticing, doesn’t it?
- Go to (or watch, for that matter) a political debate.
Lets see — dark, dank, underground, bats, bat guano — oh wait, just sort of feels the same. If it were a forum where questions were asked straightforwardly, then answered briefly and honestly using no politico-speak, I might feel differently. Instead, these three-ring circuses are intended to make one or more candidates look senile, crazy, un-American, or all of the above. The candidates never directly answer a question anyway; they meander all over creation before slinging mud and then issuing some ridiculous pithy-ism.
- 10 Trips I Never Want to Take
- Antarctica or the Arctic Circle (see cold comments, above)
- Actually, about anywhere in South America — just does not appeal to me
- Middle East
- River rafting anywhere
- Camping (unless it involves a hotel and a king bed)
- Western Texas — lets face it, nothing there except wide-open dust
- Southeast Asia